Shadows Of A Butterfly 1/2 Category Conventional Couples Rating R Summary Tess decides the fate of her child. Tess' POV, featuring Kyle. Spoilers None Author's Note Co-authored with Tesserkitt. Icalynn has written all of Alex's pov and Tesserkitt has written all of Isabel's pov. This Fic is based on Nehal’s "Butterfly Wings" challenge. Ashlyn originally responded to the challenge and made it into a RR. Kitt and I decided to branch off and fully explore the A/I relationship. To the other RR writers: we still love you and thank you for your support. Warning this fic contains referal to drug using and its reactions. Drugs are bad, do not use. Part 1- Alex The pain had intensified, I needed the medication. I needed to feel sane. I looked through my bag for my drugs, for my life, and I came up empty handed. I went to Liz's lab and asked to see her. I waited impatiently for her secretary to let me in. I walked over to Liz as she measured and played with her test tubes. “I’ve run out,” I admitted. “Already?” She sighed as she looked up at me. “You barely gave me enough to last a week," I cried. "You know that the symptoms have been coming back.” “Okay, okay. But I’m only giving you enough to last the rest of the month. I’m not giving you anymore this month. If you run out- so be it.” I sighed softly, knowing her words to be the truth. “You’re right. I’ve been taking double dosage.” “Alex,” she paused as I could see the tears well up in her eyes. “You have to stop. If this heroin weren’t saving your life, I’d... I’d...” Liz moaned as she gestured to a plastic bag on her desk. “That should be enough for the rest of the month. I don’t want to see you back at the lab until next month. You hear?” I saluted her and marched out of the lab. I walked quickly past the receptionist and gave her a weary smile. I opened the door and I ran out of there. I had to, I needed- I turned into a dark ally. I pulled out the bag and my supplies. I dropped the bag as a wave of pain traveled up my spine and into my finger tips. The pain. Oh God, the burning. It’s too much to bear! I quickly wrapped my arms around my body, waiting for the tremors to end. The symptoms were getting worse. Liz doesn’t understand! She wasn’t infected! “I’m sorry Liz,” I whispered as I took out a double dose. I tightened the tourniquet around my arm. I wiped my skin with a drop of rubbing alcohol. I am always clean, always careful. I waited impatiently for the drug to dissolve. The needle hit the vein with one shot, it was perfection. The drug courses through my veins... my skin feels flushed, my heart rate decreases to an almost normal pace. My tense muscles start to relax as I put away my supplies... I looked at the bag... it won’t last long. I stood up feeling better, stronger. Out of the corner of my eyes I can see her. I always see her when I use... It’s the best part. ~*~ I walked past the empty stores and peered at my reflection lurking within. The darkened widow reflected the man that I became. My skin was a ghostly white, my eyes were blood shot, the dark circles under my eyes reflected the tortures nights trying to survive. I had lost too much weight, I was merely a shadow of myself. I looked like a junkie, a user, a drug addict... That is what I have become. I am no longer the man I was... I am dead to the world... I have changed. All of us have changed. They left us. How could they leave us? The left us to survive in a world filled with turmoil... a world drastically changed by a little virus known as Adenochondria. Adenochondria... Liz, our brave scientist, found and isolated the virus... sounds like something out of a sci-fi movie, if you ask me. I was the lucky one, I survived. I was infected... the only one out of the group. I should have felt lucky that I am breathing, that I am alive. After all, half the planet has died... I don’t feel lucky... The pain returned quickly. The drug did not last as long, my body had built a small reserve. I am addicted to heroin. I am a druggie. I’m sorry Liz, I need another dose. At least my memories of her are still intact. At least her memory is here to comfort me, when she is miles away- my only love, my only reason to live. My Isabel. ~*~ After a second dose I managed to walk to the compound, my new home since the world has changed. I took the long way to my room in hopes of avoiding Kyle... Kyle has become our leader of sorts, he has taken care of us, the survivors... As I walked past Maria’s room. I could hear her soft moaning. I opened the door softly and looked in. “Oh, Maria...” I moaned as I walked into her room. She was tossing and turning in her sleep... “Damn, nightmares!” I cried... hasn’t she had enough? She had them every night. No one knew what really happened... One day, Tess and Maria vanished. We assumed that they had been kidnapped by the skins. We were devastated, we tried to get them out... and then one day she returned without Tess. She hasn’t spoken a word since. She’s been withdrawn, lost, broken... Maybe I am the lucky one... I crawled into the bed and I take her hand in mine... it’s the only thing I can do, she won’t accept any other human contact. I watched as she slowly stopped moaning and her tossing a became a little less... none of us have had a peaceful nights sleep since they left. Every night I hope they return. They could help Maria... They could help me. I closed my eyes as drifted into a hazy sleep. I felt her in my dreams. I prayed for a glimpse of her hair, her eyes, but the only glimpse I saw of my love was in the shadow of a butterfly. ------ Prologue- Isabel -Coming Home. "Want me to relieve for you?" I look up as Max, my brother, climbed in the cockpit with me. "No," I told him, and focused on the controls. "You know, Isabel, you've been piloting this thing since we left Antar." Max tells me softly. "You need to rest. At least get some sleep--?" "I'm not sleepy, and I'm not tired. I've been piloting more dangerous missions than this. I can handle it, Max" I tell him, my eyes never leaving the readout and controls. "Isabel. I know you've been having trouble sleeping.." Max started again. "-A situation that has never given me grief, and has never caused the Rebellion any trouble. Its something we shouldn't be worried about, remember? The meds checked me out, and I'm taking my vitamins and medication. My body just cannot adjust to the atmosphere over there. That's why I find it hard to sleep. I get my rest when I can. It's not that I don't sleep. Its just that I can't." I tell him. "When are you going to stop hounding me on this?" "Until you realize that your big brother cant help but worry about you," Max tells me with a smile. I tweak the controls. "Well, if its any consolation, it's an asset, actually. I work faster, longer and more efficiently. I learn more and I take in more information. That's why I'm the pilot of this ship and not you." When he still didn't look convinced, I asked him, "Who got to finish their training two weeks before any of you guys?" "You," he said "Who logged in more flight simulation hours than the two of you?" "You," he mumbled into his drink. "You studied the recon and recovery plans of our biggest raid of Kivar's forces?" I asked him, searching for the coordinates for our rendezvous point. "You," he said again "You know why?" "Because you put in more time than the rest of us combined." "Yes. You know how?" "Cause you couldn't sleep?" "Bingo. Because I found out that I had six to seven hours everyday to myself while the two of you were sleeping in your bunks." Beside me, Max chuckled. I felt him stand up and I gave him a smile. He hugged me and kissed my cheek. "Whatever happened to the days when I had to drag you out of bed and bedroom to get to school early?" I smiled and leaned into my brother's embrace. "She's grown up Max. She found out that there were things more important than waking up and going to school." "Well, yeah. Just remember that I still cant help getting worried about her," Max tells me with a smile, as he walked his way toward the cockpit door. "I know," I told him. "You better go outside to see that Michael hasn't tampered with the hyperdrive yet," I joked. "Yeah, well, God forbid that our battle-scarred general has more important things to think about than a broken gas pedal." He chuckled as he left. Once again I was alone in the cockpit. I rubbed my eyes, because I had been working nonstop. I was used to it by now. I told Max why I hadnt been sleeping. But that wasn't the whole truth of it. It was a choice I made the day I came here. ~ Light In the beginning, there was light. Light in all directions. In all colors. Light in different angles of the prism. They danced and winked at me. And noise. The sound of laughter and music and children and carousels. We were put into hibernation on the way to Antar. I don't remember anything of the travel, just that I dreamed. I dreamed nice dreams. Visions and images of what it was like to be home. I remembered my mother. The day I was adopted. My favorite red dress and its matching red bow that I refused to take off for days. I remembered my imaginary kitten, Midnight, and how it felt to be sitting by my window at night, looking out at the stars. Once, I woke up. And since we were tied down to our harnesses, I couldn't move. It panicked me. And it freaked me out even more to see my brother and Michael, deep into hibernation, like patients in comatose. My hands couldn't move around much, but I could feel my pockets. I had a couple of photos there that I had placed at the last minute so that I wouldn't forget. I dug into my pockets and rummaged. I don't remember exactly how, but I knew the why. I was panicking. I needed to go back to sleep. And I wanted to be with someone. No, not just someone. Him. I wanted to see how he was. I remembered how it ended, before we left. I remembered the words, the feeling. The awful sense that you should say something, but you cant say anything at all. So we said nothing. Although it was too late for that, I wanted.. I wanted to see him again. So I clutched the photograph in my hand, and forced myself to relax. Breathe, I told myself. And in a moment, I was in. I don't know how long it took. Most of the time, the dreams were mine. Dreams of children and ice cream. I marveled at how green the grass was, and how blue the sky. Memories of how it felt to laugh and toss my head and red balloons and driving. Sometimes I was in his dreams. Or that we'd share them. It was a comforting thought to be with someone in a situation like this. Even if the person doesn't remember that you're there. Because of what happened, I hid myself from him. If he realized.. well, it would be awkward. But I joined the crowd when he played his guitars. I even allowed myself to be pulled onstage while he was in the middle of his biggest concert. Other times, he would dance with a dream version of myself. Or I would fly to the clouds with him. Or listen to him compose songs, half of which he will not remember the next day when he woke up. And then I would remember how it had been. How happy and painful and joyful and sad. How it was to be normal. To be human. To allow myself to be a teenager. To trust. To care and be cared for. To feel the first stirrings of love. And it pained me to realize how much I had thrown away. How much opportunity I had at my hands that I had thrown in his face. But even in his dreams, I never tried to resolve what had happened between us in reality. It was taking too much advantage of him already. But the dreams have become disturbing. Little by little the sky had become tinged with oily orange and pink streaks. The air around me, him, had a sickly sweet smell. Like sugar burning, and maple syrup poured over garlic. And bitter. It tasted bitter and sweet. The laughter in my dreams had become hollow and hysterical. I was looking at the world through sickened eyes. The world around me tilted and swayed. I felt out of balance. Off-kilter. I watched him in my sleep as my dreamworld became a dizzying jumble of technicolor liquids, neon lights and shrieking laughter. Something was wrong. What was happening? It wasn't supposed to be this way. The walls, the sky, the ground was shifting, shifting. Swirls of oily technicolor paints mingled and mixed with the sound of discordant keyboards and guitars filled the air. Oh my God. What is happening to me? To him? I only wanted to see how he was doing. But he's not here now. He hasn't been for a while. And his dreams-werent dreams. I don't know what it is, but it wasn't his. Was somebody warping him? Was he being abducted? Was he hurt? Then I heard it. My name. Isabel. Isabel being screamed, moaned, shrieked. Isabel in laughter, in pain. In anger. In sorrow. In anguish. In love. I couldn't see anymore. I couldn't open my eyes, but my ears heard it all: Isabel. Why did you leave me? Why arent you here? How are you doing? Its less of a pain if youre here, I know it. I miss you, Isabel. Always, always, "I miss you, Isabel." I miss you too I screamed to drown out the noise. My formless hands covered my formless ears as my mouth tried to speak. To tell him I'm here. I'm here Anything to ease his pain. It was dizzying. I was twirling, flying, tumbling on a spiral of colors and smells and screams. After that, I never tried to sleep again. It was easy enough, I guess. Because the moment we stepped on Antar, my body naturally felt little need for sleep. And there was never enough information to be had, or knowledge to be gained. Our training was never enough. But I learned to like the training, the demands, the stress. I gained a reputation for being a workaholic. A perfectionist. I had learned how it was to be a tactician. I was called the Pilot Princess with the mettle of steel. As we battled those alien ships, I blasted off those demons that spoke to me in sleep. His demons. Mine, too, in the end. I never had the luxury of wondering what it meant. There was always one more mission, one more raid, one more battle. This went on for years. We battled rebellions, and instigated some of our own. We raided and pillaged. We rescued and survived. Slowly but surely we regained the ground the previous generation had lost. And when I did have time, I wondered and hoped. But as year led on to year, I had to school myself into thinking we might never return to Earth. That I might grow old here and die. Or maybe he had. Died, I mean. I only hoped that this dreams in the end were the happy ones. The ones where he grows old and finds peace within himself. Dreams of living a healthy normal life amidst green grass and blue skies. But that's not enough to make me want to visit him again. Im afraid of what I might see. Or worse, what I wont see. And I never did try to sleep again. ----- Alex POV Kyle has been watching me, even Maria has been watching me, and if Liz would stop to take notice, I am sure she would be watching me too!! Leave me the @#%$ alone! You can’t save me, so leave me alone! Isabel!? Why did you leave me? Why aren’t you here? I ran to the deserted garden, well what used to be the garden. I walked over to the dying tree and climbed up to the treehouse... my haven, my home away from home. I looked up at her picture as the soft light reflected off the wings of the butterfly mobile floating in the air. “Why? Isabel...” I cried as the pain radiated through my body... “I loved you... why did you have to leave?” I continued to cry as I wrapped my arms around my leg... I can be strong... I don’t need it. Fuck “I see you looking down at me... I know you are there!” I cried angrily. There was so much I wanted to say, to do... “Fuck.” I cried out as the pain raged through my body. I opened my bookbag and pulled out my bag of supplies. I then pulled out an empty plastic bag... it’s gone, it’s all gone... I threw my bag across the room in frustration, my supplies scattered across the floor. I don’t need it.. I don’t need it! “Fuck!” I groaned as I doubled over in pain... I had used a two weeks supply within days. I looked up at the sky... I could see the stars peaking in through the cracks in the ceiling... “Isabel...” I moaned. “Can you ever love me again? I love you...” I closed my eyes hoping for sleep. Please, if there is a God. My body was exhausted... I felt the edge of sleep touch the tip of my pain. I could see her holding her hand out to me. She loves me. “I miss you, Isabel.” ~*~ The chill in the air stung my skin. A clap of thunder rumbled through the crisp night's air. It was going to rain. I had no idea how long I had been asleep. I walked towards the compound, my home, as the rain started to fall. Rain, Rain, go away. Come back another day. It hasn’t rained in Roswell for weeks, maybe months... I stopped before entering and looked up at my home. At one time it was the UFO center, a museum. Now it was our shelter, our home. It had been remolded, it was chosen because of the bomb shelter. We were lucky to have a home that was safe from them. I felt a chill as the cool rain washed over me. It almost felt good. The water was washing away my pain, my fear... but leaving me hollow and empty inside. I opened the door and walked towards my room. I grabbed a towel from the linen room and started to dry off. I opened my bedroom door and walked in. I felt her presence... I looked up. She was sitting on my bed. Had she been waiting for me? It can’t be... She smiled at me. My heart started to soar... I dropped the towel. She stood up from my bed. She looked surprised that I was here... like I too, had been haunting her. I’m not sure who made the first move, but soon we were standing at an arms length away from each other. I hesitantly reached out to her... My hand touched her hair... She’s real. I placed my hands on her head, softly smoothing her hair, touching it, letting my fingers enjoy the soft, silky sensation... I stepped in closer, my hands drifted to her face... I traced her profile. She gasped slightly when my finger touched her lips... She’s real... she’s home... I love you. I glanced at her lips they were inviting and I was eager to reply... I leaned in and kissed her. Our lips joined, hungry for the sensation, for the passion, the spark that we had missed. Her lips were soft and warm. They tasted sweet, spicy. I held her tight to my body as our tongues explored our mouths... I felt like I was at home, I wanted to stay in her embrace forever... An image flashed before eyes... an image of my younger self... of us together, before she left... I could feel the love radiating through the image. I pulled back gasping for air and I looked at her... I could feel my face flush with anger. She doesn’t love me. She loves him... I am no longer the one she knew, the one she loved. I stumbled back, away from her. I saw the shock in her face... she didn’t understand and she never will. I wiped my lips with the back of my hand trying to erase the memory. I closed my eyes... I changed because of her, because she left... I am living in pain, addicted to drugs because of her and her precious mission! ”Get out!” I cried as I pointed to the door. I saw the hint of surprise in her face and the glisten of tears in her eyes. “Alex...” She whispered in objection. “Get out!” I cried again, turning away from her. "Alex, please. Let me explain--" Isabel objected. "Get out!" I shouted as a surge of pain radiated through my body. Normally, I would have doubled over with the pain... Instead I used it as my weapon. “Explain?! How can you explain leaving us... me, to live in this hell hole?! Your choice to leave for our safety was a lie! You left for your damn destiny!!” I screamed my pain edging me on. I didn’t give her a chance to explain... I couldn’t. If I could have heard her voice, I would have stopped and I would have let her back in. I watched as a single tear escaped and fell down her face. My heart ached... I loved her... but she can’t know... “How dare you barge into my room... Leave!!” I cried. “I_Don’t_Want_You! You had your chance and you left!” She turned away defeated... she walked over to my door. She stopped and hesitated. I could hear her crying... Please just leave... don’t turn around... She opened the door and left. I dropped to the ground as the tears fell from my eyes. I had to do it... I had no choice... she doesn’t love me, she loves him! She hurt me once... I will never let her hurt me again. ----- Izzy. Part 2 ======== She tossed her keys tiredly on the table beside the doorway and shook her hair out. She was soaking wet. Rain had been pouring for hours. It had been such a tiring day. After landing and hiding the ship they had gone straight to Roswell, where they had hoped their friends were still residing. They were used to seeing battlefields and torn planets in the years they've been fighting the war. But coming come and seeing Earth afflicted with unnamed plagues and the skies blackened with the pollution of countless air raids was heartbreaking. This was Earth, the home of their hearts, where they grew up. She sighed. She never expected coming home to be this way. She shouldve known better than to hope that the Enemy would overlook Earth in their quest for domination. But they hadnt. They were suffering with the first phase of colonization: the unnamed sickness, the air raids. It wouldn't continue, she knew, because they had stopped Kivar on Antar. Earth wont be ravaged the way Antar had been, but it was still a shock to discover how it happened. The people, the sights, the smells… In some part of her mind she had hoped that the Earth would be untouched by what they had seen and heard. If they hadnt stopped the war from where they were, she knew that it would be worse. But then, the Enemy wouldve known about the Earth sooner than later the moment the four of them were sent here on Earth. When they left, the Enemy had come, and humans have been battling them since. She can only imagine what Liz and Kyle have been going through, trying to hold the fragile alliances of human rebels together. Liz with her science, and Kyle with the survivors. And Maria and Alex, with their own personal hells to battle. Alex. God, Alex, what had he gone through? She absently touched her lips where his had been only hours ago. Methodically, she went to the windows and closed the blinds. She had locked the doors and placed motion detector devices on the entryways. It would alarm her if anyone but Max or Michael came in. And her gun, she kept it holstered to her forearm. Some habits die hard. She sighed again, her hand still wrapped around the cords for the blinds. She had closed it shut a long while ago. Snapping out of her reverie, she felt around her jacket for the packet of rejuvenation medicine the medics on Antar had given her. She took it out, and read the instructions on the label. She smiled grimly to herself. They had been her lifeline in more ways than one in the years of fighting. They helped her concentrate. It helped her mind focused on the problems at hand instead of walking around in the training compound like a zombie. It had kept her sane during the times she badly wanted to sleep, so that she could dream and see if Alex was all right. If he was okay. But she couldn't. And she didnt. She had broken into a run out of the compound hours ago, not caring who saw her, or that she left Max and Michael there. She welcomed the rain, thankful that it hid the hot tears that coursed down her face after his rejection. She ran without thinking where she was heading, soaking wet and miserable. Why was he so angry? Why was he enraged by the very sight of her? And why did it hurt so much to think about it? She touched her lips again. When they had kissed, she had expected the rush of images, of feelings that had come in the few stolen kisses they had allowed between them. Before, she had been the one who always pulled away, overwhelmed by his love, his trust, his openness. But now she had welcomed them, trying to tell him in the kiss what she couldn't in words. But now she saw nothing. Blank. Black. She felt his lips, his face. His hands were smoothing her hair, her cheeks, as if he couldn't believe she was there… She felt the physical reunion, but where was the connection? Why wasn't she seeing anything? But she threw the questions to the wind, because she was home. She was finally home.. Alex, she told him in her mind. She kissed him back in ways she could never put to words. She missed him so much, was so relieved to see him alive that words didnt matter. Only the two of them mattered. The two of them together... But he had pulled back, and she had stared at him in shock as his face was slashed in fury. She saw him wipe his lips with the back of his hand as if he couldn't bear the touch of her lips there. As if he hated her… What had happened to him? she asked herself. She rubbed her eyes, suddenly tired, suddenly more weary than she had ever been. Her eyes fell on the bed, and noticed that the covers had been pulled back. She wearily stepped out her shoes and took her jacket off. She crawled and dropped on the bed. She curled into herself and rocked, the only comfort she allowed herself. Then she closed her eyes, rifling through her mind for the image she knew she had. It had been so long. So, so long since she had even dared to sleep, much less dream. She had given up thinking whether or not he was still alive all this time. Now she knew he was alive. She could try, maybe a little, if she could contact him. Maybe she could connect with him there when their meeting at the museum could not. When they were younger, they had explored her dreamwalking powers, and it was there, in the safety of their minds, that they were free to be themselves. But that had been in the past. Even if her powers had improved, he might have blocked her from his mind. His heart. All these years… She felt it then, the heaviness in her eyelids. Heaving a small, contented sigh, she finally felt the blessed drowsiness of sleep, and tried to connect... ------ Alex pov I pulled myself off the floor and ran to Liz’s lab. I ran through the deserted streets as the eerie light from the full moon brightened the streets. I broke into the lab and galnced around. The lab looked deserted. That’s odd. Liz practically lives here. I went to the shelves and looked for my relief, for my salvation... “Yes!” I cried as I found a fresh bag. I love you Liz! I sank to the cold concrete floor half with relief and half from exhaustion. I needed to get rid of the pain, I needed to get rid of the memories... She doesn’t love me. She left me. The drug swiftly took over my senses, I could feel the pain slip away. I closed my eyes and sighed as I leaned against the wall. A felt a soft breeze on my face, I felt drawn to a soft warm inner embrace. I opened my eyes. The lab faded into a vast garden. The sky was crystal blue and the grass was a vivid green. The scent of fresh flowers lingered in the air. It was beautiful. “Daddy!” A little girl cried as she ran over to me. I leaned down and picked her up as she covered me with soft butterfly like kisses. “Alex,” a voice whispered from behind. I turned around, to see Isabel dressed in a brilliant white flowing gown. “Isabel,” I whispered as she pulled the two of us closer to her. She searched my eyes for a response, for a reaction. My heart was soaring with love and laughter. This is a dream come true... “I love you,” she whispered softly as she leaned in to kiss me. Our lips touched softly, tenderly as images of our earlier confrontation hit me. I slowly pulled away as I searched Isabel's eyes. I could feel her trying to grasp onto the dream... our dream. This isn’t my dream, it's hers! “Isabel!” I cried slightly breaking her control in my head. The little girl disappeared from my arms as the garden started to dissolve away... I pushed her away as our dreamworlds parted. The crystalline blue darkened and tinges of familiar oily orange and red streaks lingered in the air. The fresh scent of flowers burned and turned rancid in the air. Her dreamworld came crashing down as I dragged her deeper into my subconcious, into my hell. “Alex, talk to me!” She cried as she struggled to stand. “Get out of my head!” I cried trying to push her out. “Alex... Please, tell me what happened.” “Never!” I continued to cry as I tried to push her away. “I’m not leaving that easy this time!” She cried as I turned away from her. "You seemed perfectly fine with it before!" I cried as I turned face her. I could feel the soft boil of anger lash out. "Alex?" Isabel asked slightly confused. "We made love, we shared a sacred bond with each other! You left for Antar! You left me alone, without a word, without a goodbye!" I cried as the sky darkend to a hue of darkend orange and the distant roll of thunder crashed. "No, Alex it..." "You just left without a word on our wedding night. Did the marriage bond mean nothing to you? Was everything a lie that night? Did you think I would wait for you?" I cried as I turned my back to her. I couldn’t get her out of my brain. I couldn’t breathe. "Alex?" She moaned as she tocuched my shoulder and turned me around. “Isabel if you ever loved me you would leave!” I moaned as I avioded looking into her eyes. "No!" "I never loved you!" I shouted back as I pushed her way. "You are and have always been nothing but an Icy b*tch. I hate you." She looked stunned as she fadded away from my dream plane. I felt a surge of relief as I sat down and started to cry... I wept for my love, I wept for my past, and I wept for the future that could never be. A felt the familiar enegry in the air intensify. She didn’t leave. I felt her presence sufficate me. I felt her hand linger on my back... she was feeling, she was prodding, she was digging into my past, my present. She couldn’t leave it alone, she had to know. She invaded my mind... has she ever done this before? She has invaded my dreams? She has invaded me! “No!” I cried as I managed to break free from the tendrils of sleep. I wasn’t sure if she knew. I wasn't sure how much she found out. @#%$. I prepared another dose of the drug... it’s too soon for another dose, but I don’t care! I need to be free, I need to be saved. I pushed the drug into my vein and I immediately felt a surge of heat... I could feel my heart slowing... Funny, this has never happened before. I cried but nothing came out of my mouth. My arms and legs felt numb. I couldn’t breathe. Isabel! I cried in my mind. I couldn't move. I couldn't keep my eyes open. The darnkness overcame me. I am lost. ----- Isabel Part 3 The wind, soft as butterfly wings, moved past my face. I had closed my eyes, and it was the sensation of peacefulness that comforted me. Made me breathe deeply, and relax for the first time in five years. I heard the twittering of birds, and the feel of soft grass beneath my feet. Opening my eyes, I saw that I was in the playground of Roswell Elementary. Two children ran past me, laughing, chasing each other. And I realize that they were younger versions of me, and Alex. I laughed with the joy of it, the sheer lightheartedness of their play. "Hey, wait!" I told them, laughing, wanting them to slow down before they tripped. For all their ungainly running, they managed to run to the swings and play. Not noticing me. I turned around and noted my surroundings. It was a beautiful day. One that I remembered from my childhood. It soothed me. A patch of flowers ran along the side of the building and I focused on the fluttering of little.. butterflies along the wall. And I saw a Monarch butterfly, black and orange. There was something about its movements that seemed strange. I stood there, momentarily mesmerized by its movements.. hypnotic. Strange that even the flowers around it seemed to turn orange.. "Noo!" I heard the little girl shriek. I turned around, as the little boy swung out of the swing and landed chest first in a dull thump on the grass. "Oh no, oh no, oh no," the little girl ran to him, crying. "Im sorry, I shouldnt have pushed hard. Im sorry, Im sorry.." I ran to them. The little girl was now becoming hysterical, and I hugged her to quiet her. She didnt stop struggling against me. "No!" she said desperately. "I have to help him! I have to help him now!" "Let me help him, then. Let's try. Come on. Ssh. Ssh." I told the little girl, hugging her tight, stroking her hair. And then I turned my attention on the little boy. I checked his neck, his back. Was he breathing? Was he alive? Was this even real? I turned him over, noting that his shirt was stained with blood where his arm was scraped against the ground. I turned my attention to his arm, checking to see if it was broken. Could I heal him, here? Even as the thought raced through my head, I told myself this was all a dream.. All a dream.. But this injury seemed all too real.. "Youre okay," I heard the little girl whisper to him reverently. Unheeding of the danger of the movement, she bent over, blocking my view, and touched his forehead. "What-?" I asked, surprised, and pulled the little girl away from him. He was awake. Wide awake. Too conscious, in fact, that his eyes burned with life and bored into mine. "Are you okay?" I asked, worried. He looked at me, silent, assessing. "You left me." he stated. It wasnt a question. "You left me here to die." It was surprising to hear this calm. I was starting to get scared. This boy knew me. I was getting terrified, this accusation from an eight year old with Alex's face and voice. "No, I didnt. You were injured--" "Yes you did." he insisted. "You left, and when you came back you'd think youd be welcomed like a hero. But you wont. Not from me." he said, and stood up with remarkable agility. He dusted himself off, and took the hand of the little girl. "Are you okay?" he asked the sniffling girl. She nodded, and I felt my eyes sting with their simplicity. "I thought you were dead." she said, rubbing her eyes "I think I almost was. Look." he said, and motioned for her to look up. I did too, taking my eyes off them to look at the wall of the Elementary School. The flowers had all wilted a liquid orange among the bushes. There was a growing rip in the wall, as if acid was eating into it. And the Monarch was fluttering, flying away, melting everything in its path. I was being sucked into it again, into the orange and black oiliness. I didnt want it, any of it. I chased after it, watching to swat it away, crush it. Anything to stop the madness. "It's too late," the boy said. He had his arm around the little girl. "You cant stop it any way that you couldnt stop it when you went away." he continued. "You couldnt have known," he told me, sounding even apologetic. I opened my mouth to ask what he was talking about, talking in riddles and half sentences. But they had looked past me, beyond me, at something even bigger. I turned around and heard the silent screams.. getting louder and louder. Oh no, here it comes, I told myself, and braced myself. My dream was merging with Alex's ******** "ALEX!" I screamed into the void as I was being swallowed. The children had been eaten up in the darkness as I went through. I heard the hollow echo of my voice. Alex, Alex, Alex... "Alex, where are you?" I screamed again, not caring to hide myself in the dream. "Alex?" I screamed at the sky. Rolling clouds, violent and fast, whirled above me. Light flashed behind them, threatening a storm, but I didnt care. I was afraid of the images before, but now.. I cant afford to be afraid. I wanted.. I wanted to see him again. "Alex?" I asked into the vastness. "You thought you'd get away with it, didnt you?" I heard him ask. My hair whipped around my head, and there he was, standing right in front of me. He had the look of the Alex I had left behind, although a little older, and his hair curled a little at the ends. He even forgot to unbutton his second button... "Alex, what are you talking about?" I asked him. "It doesnt change the fact that you left, Isabel. Even if you came back this time." he told me calmly. Although his voice was calm, I could see in his eyes that he was not. He was trying to hold himself in check as he tried to clarify his rage. His anger. Anger? "Alex, I thought-" "You thought Id stay the same, Ill bet." he said sardonically, and turned to look slightly to the side. "What, did you expect me to look the same, act the same?" he asked. "Did you honestly think you can just come back and everything will be alright?" "I mean, did you even think Id look this way, the same?" he gestured to himself, at his clothes, at his face. "A lot has changed, Isabel. A lot has happened since you went away to your precious mission." he spat out. "Damn you," I said softly, hating the tears that suddenly caught themselves at my throat. He whipped his head to look at me. "I never expected anything, Alex. I just wanted to come home. You and I-" "There is no 'you and I' here, Iz," he cut me off quietly, and the way he said my nickname tore at my heart. "It stopped being that way the day you left us. The day you left me." "I mean, didnt I even merit the requisite five minutes of screentime for you? We were together, Isabel. Hell, even Michael, came by and Max had to drag him away from Maria. God!" he exclaimed and looked away in frustration. "But then I saw you in my dreams," he said, and I looked at him sharply, and I saw that he was looking at me as he said it. I tried to hide my shock, but it was too late, because what he'd seen in my eyes confirmed his thoughts. "You didnt think I knew, huh?" he asked, with a slight smile, putting his hands on the pockets of his cargo pants and stepped nearer the edge of a cliff face that had just only emerged. The ground around us was shifting, shifting. Aside from the thunder, there is a rumbling from the ground, like the boulders themselves were angry and restlessless to get out to puncture the earth above. As we were talking rock faces appeared slowly from the ground, and the earth shook, revealing cracks that fell away into ravines. I tried to warn Alex to be careful, but from his posture I could tell that he wouldnt care what Id say. "How?" I asked him, my mouth going dry. "I mean, there can only be too many Isabels in my dream, right?" Alex said wryly. "You told me about your journey once, I dont think you remember saying so, though" "Has it always been this way here?" I asked him instead, by way of answering. I gestured to the landscape. I didnt know how much he'd found out about my deception. I had been with him in his dreams every night for months until we reached Antar, where Max woke me up just in time to save me from having a heart attack, I was so immersed with Alex's dreams. The last image I had from my dreams when we arrived on Antar was an image of Alex, lying in a hospital bed, Liz frantically saving his life. And the monitors had all bleeped one long note... "For the past few years," he told me. "It hasnt been quite this.. dramatic, I guess." he shrugged. "Why?" I whispered. He turned to me, and gave me a quizzical look, as if telling me that I should know by now. "What?" I asked him. "Come on, Isabel, I may have always been the last to know, but Im not stupid. Dont even try to patronize me." he said in a hard voice. "Oh yeah, I remember why. You left before everything else happened. Again." he said. "Alex, come on, please. I really dont know what youre talking about--" "DAMN YOU! Don't toy with me! I'M NOT STUPID! You were here, with me, in the first few months, and then YOU LEFT! Even then, here, after everything that happened, YOU LEFT ME!" he had moved from the ledge and faced me, his hands gripping my arms. I could see from his face he was trying hard to stop himself from shaking me. Lightning streaked across the sky. Thunder followed. We didnt care. We were staring at each other. And then it hit me, what he was talking about. I pushed his hands away, taking a step back and glaring at him through the sudden tears. "Why you pompous bastard. You want to know why I stopped coming here, in your dreams, in OUR dreams, Alex? You really really want to know?" "Yes," he yelled back at me. The lightning came faster now, along with the thunder. They came so fast that when it flashed, the whole sky turned from red-orange to blinding white. And the thunder boomed after it. Flash. Flash. Flash. "I thought you were dead, dammit!" I yelled at him. "Did you hear me?" I asked. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!" I screamed, and choked back a sob. "I thought you were dead, and I couldnt bear it.." I said, letting the tears come. I swiped them angrily with the back of my hand The sky flashed. This time the light held, and the whole sky became.. A room. Tile floors. A metal sink running from one end of the wall to another. Metal tables in the middle-- "What the--?" I asked in bewilderment. Flash. Flash. Blink. The sky was red again. Alex was standing where I saw him last, his eyes widening at the reality of what I said hit him. Then he curled his fists, his mouth hanging open in shock. In shock? Somehow I got the feeling that what I said wasnt what he was reacting to. Flash. Flash. Flash. Blink. --Metal tables in the middle. Metal cabinets. Medicines. A dissecting tray... and Alex lying on the floor convulsing. "Oh my--" BOOM! I was back in the red vastness. Alex was walking backwards, one hand going to his throat, the other to his heart. I saw him look at me, trying to tell me something. I took a step towards him, to tell him to stop backing up, to stay where he was, because he'd fall-- .. into the ravine. Alex fell into the ravine. ---- Alex's POV based on the occurences in Isabel's last perspective. ---- I slipped deeper into the dark abyss. I gasped for air as I lingered onto the path of death. You left me here to die. Isabel, I cried out with my mind, since my voice would not come. My heart beat continued to weaken as I struggled to take a breath. My thoughts lingered above me, floating into the void of life, the darkness around me. You left me. The ground trembled. You left me here to die. Blood-tinged orange highlighted the sky as thunder rolled above. Yes, you did. You left, and when you came back you'd think you'd be welcomed like a hero. But, you won't. I felt stronger as a white spark floated above me... It pulled me in closer. Not from me. It's too late The spark sprouted wings and fluttered above me. The light beconed me. You can't stop it any way, you couldn't stop it when you went away. I reached out to the butterfly with my hand. You couldn't have known. A flash of lighting struck my outstreatched fingers. I felt a surge of energy as I stood to face my fears. The white butterfly danced in front of me as it continued to grow larger. I managed to stand as I recognized a familiar surge of electritcity in the air. Isabel. "Alex?" I heard a voice ring out into vast darkness as the ground continued to tremble. She sounded scared, afraid. "You thought you'd get away with it, didn't you?" I cried out not knowing the source of my own anger. She stood in front of me. Her blond hair flying around her as the wind moaned with agony. She had entered my mind, she had once again entered my hell, my heroin induced dream. "Alex, what are you talking about?" She inquired as she studied my reflection of my past, the Alex she wanted to see. "It doesnt change the fact that you left, Isabel. Even if you came back this time." I replied calmly as my anger continued to boil. "Alex, I thought-" "You thought I'd stay the same, I'll bet." I replied as I felt the pain of the years coming to a peak. "What? Did you expect me to look the same, act the same?" I asked. "Did you honestly think that you can just come back and everything will be alright?" "I mean, did you even think I'd look this way?" I continued as I gestured to the image she created in her mind. "A lot has changed, Isabel. A lot has happened since you went away to your precious mission." "Damn you," Isabel relpied softly as she choked on her own tears. I turned to face her. "I never expected anything, Alex. I just wanted to come home. You and I-" "There is no 'you and I' here, Iz," I interupted. "It stopped being that way the day you left us. The day you left me." I continued to stare at her as a wave of agonizing pain hit me with full force. "I mean, didn't I even merit the requisite five minutes of screentime for you? We were together , Isabel. Hell, even Michael came by and Max had to drag him away from Maria. God!" I exclaimed and looked away in frustration. I gasped for air. I stuggled to breathe the rancid burnt air. My lungs were burning, my head was pounding. "But then I saw you in my dreams," I managed to say as I turned to look at her. She didn't have to respond the lighting reflected the shock and realization in her eyes. At the moment, I knew for sure... I knew the truth. "You didn't think I knew, huh?" I asked, as a crooked smile crossed my face. I walked closer to the ravine that cluttered my dream world. The ground shifted and sighed with each agonizing breath I took.. I heard her cries of warning, she needed me to be safe, for her state of mind. "How?" She asked softly. "I mean, there can only be so many Isabels in my dream, right?" I replied. "You told me about your journey once, I don't think you remember saying so, though." "Has it always been this way here?" She inquired as she avoided my question. "For the past few years, it hasn't been quite this.. dramatic, I guess," I replied. "Why?" She whispered. I turned to her. A blank expression crossed her face. She didn't know. "What?" Isabel asked me. "Come on, Isabel, I may have always been the last to know, but I'm not stupid. Don't even try to patronize me," I replied harsly as I heard my hearbeat ring in my ears. I opened my mouth to speak... I couldn't hear my voice, I couldn't hear her voice. My anger continued to flourish as the lightning streaked across the sky and the rummble of thunder followed. I continued to stare into her eyes... waiting for a response, wanting to know the truth. She pushed me away as tears fell from her eyes. "Why you pompous bastard. You want to know why I stopped coming here, in your dreams, in OUR dreams, Alex? You really really want to know?" Her voice cried out. "Yes," I yelled back. The lightning crackled and lit up the sky. It flashed faster as the thunder rumbled in tune. Flash. Flash. Flash. "I thought you were dead, dammit!" She yelled. I am. "Did you hear me?" She cried. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!" She screamed as she choked back a sob. "I thought you were dead," she moaned. The sky flashed a brilliant white. Flash. I felt the connection that she held onto me slowly dissolve. Flash. I felt my heart beat slow down with each agonizing breath. Blink. My eyes blurred as the lack of oxygen weakened my resolve. I watched in horror as Isabel slowly faded and turned once more into the spark. The spark of our dream faded. I had fallen. You left me. You left me here to die. I slipped deeper into the dark abyss. I gasped for air as I lingered onto the path of death. Continue to the next part

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